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Rudderless and some dreams

The school has begun in full-swing and I am left with some precious time in the mornings in which I fit in my yoga-something I wanted to get back to for a very long time now, the little content writing that I do, some reading and some browsing. The husband casually mentioned about maybe taking up something for serious-like further studies or maybe a more serious work profile. That left me thinking about myself and the options I have. I can go back to what I was doing earlier or try out something totally different.

I have never been ambitious. Yes, never the kind that imagined myself to be in a certain profession, passionately pursuing a self-marked goal. Actually, I never knew what would make me happy. I still don't know. In my younger days, I loved listening to the radio, to the old Hindi film classics and had many a film trivia on my finger tips. Zee Antakshari playing would have me sway and jump in excitement with the answers even before Deewane, Parwane or Mastane could press the buzzer. The Sister used to refer to me as having some kind of "filmi dimaag". Really, History dates or Math equations could baffle me but any tune or part of a movie scene would have me spitting out the name of the film, and other sundry trivia-for no particular audience as such, just to amuse the family members around and to revel in some false glory of housing such tremendous talent!

But, of course, such interests are best nipped in the bud, or at best pursued as a second or third interest, probably only in addition to a trophy job. These cannot be gloated about in public and do not really help in the more serious and realistic career paths like that of being a MBA, CA, doctor or Engineer. Which, of course, never really featured on my radar. For a very long time, I swam dispassionately and unattractively in unknown waters, trying to find the anchor which will have me rooted; in search of the cliched call of life.

Stumbling along, living patches of life doing things that interested me for that particular phase of life, believing that I have found the career goal and path, has been the story of my life so far.  Motherhood and post let me dabble more with the internet and I found myself writing on this space. This side of me has been the most surprising revelation-to me and those who knew me during my more confused and rudderless times. Again, I'm not sure if this is my calling because aside from showing bits of my prowess with words here (amidst many bouts of total paralysis to think and write coherently), I really don't know what more can be done. Again, a classic case of inability to dream big. 

Talking of dreams, of late our new home and its decor has been on my mind. I've been working with our designer to get close to what I've envisaged for my home. It's exciting and nerve-wrecking at the same time. Exciting, because its our first home and the canvas is new and fresh. The opportunity to make the best is too tempting to be ignored. Nerve-wrecking, because there is the fear of going overboard, of getting things right yet not losing our sleep over the bills. I am worried about things like how the final look will turn out to be, if I'll be able to translate all that is in my mind into the real, financial constraints, space constraints of the new house-yes, we haven't even moved in and already certain elements don't seem to fit in due to  shortcomings in the floor plan.




Comments

  1. Hang in there.. you'll figure out what you want to do with yourself soon ! Actually , I am in the same boat and often wonder what I really want to do with myself. Though I have always been too ambitious for my own good, but a 9-10 job never satisfied me. But even after starting something on my own , I still have a gnawing feeling inside me that I could have done something else with my life.. just have no clue what that something is..

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    1. yes, a 9-5 job can become stifling after a while. That something is quite elusive irrespective of where you stand, right?

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  2. a classic case of inability to dream big - I share your case :D
    But I think - isnt being happy all the time just enough? If you are not happy then you could do something...Maybe start writing your dreams in a small note book...whatever they may be and you ll be shocked to see that they will all come true one day...and maybe who knows you could have a big dream...its just that you wouldnt have realised the magnitude of it.... :)

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    1. oh yes, being happy surmounts everything else but then there are times when stuff like being more productive than you are currently figure on the mind. I like your idea..maybe I need to dig further to find that dream :-)

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  3. I think, Uma, we both are the same boat. I work 9 to 5, and I do enjoy it, but this feeling of 'wish I could do something better' is always there in me. I dont know what it is. From story telling for kids to choreographing dances, to teaching kids to dance, I want to do everything, but honestly in my case, I need to work to get the money. so just doing that. I have a retirement plan in mind though. Open a library cum cafe and do a weekly session of book reading for kids. But thats a retirement plan eh? How I am going to get capital for that, is a BIG question.

    you could perhaps start writing bollywood music, or infact go ahead and join your interior decorator initially as a trainee and look at that as a career eh?

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    1. bollywood music :-)..I'd fancied it in some other life but now I don't even follow bollywood anymore. And, guess what, the husband suggested the very thing about doing a interior designing course! hmm..lets see :-)

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  4. Uma, I felt like I could have written the first part of this :). Not the part about knowing songs though, I have always been terrible at that :P, though once the song starts I might know the words :).

    I feel close to having that niche.. it might not be impactful on the world all that much.. but as long as I'm content in my space I'm ok with being mostly low-key :).

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    1. you too a film trivia buff? wowie, some parts of our personalities seem quite similar, no? :-)

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  5. You are aware of your strong point,your prowess in words!! Convert this skill into a rewarding line by writing novels.Publishers look for good fiction and market is awash with books.If your book catches the fancy of readers you will be making huge money.You can start with one for M&B India with a small novel

    All the best in designing and decorating the new home

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    1. Getting myself into working this out is the challenge I think, Sir. I am dishing out excuses to myself about not having a plot line, no creativity in writing stories. Well, need to work around the excuses first and thanks KP sir :-)

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  6. I could be writing this myself... what we have, are tidbits of talents. something here, something there. Its been the same case with me, I can do a lot of small things, none worthy of boasting in public. I have no such talent which can make me shine. Perhaps one can say I write well? But that is hardly something one can portray in public, like singing dancing etc.

    I am a happy homemaker, but that hardly counts, does it? I feel like I am too good at accommodating others' need while making excuses for not carrying out my own wishes. I really wanna learn to crochet and learn to bake... but one after the other there some reason on why I cannot think of going ahead. :(

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    1. I know, I like to keep my fingers in many pots as I get bored of one thing soon. I am good at many things but not passionate enough about any one thing :-)
      Crochet and baking sounds lovely and its great that you are happy in what you do. That counts more. All the best to you too!

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  7. Firstly, I think that the whole idea of having a big dream and fulfilling it, are somewhat overrated. Achievement, accomplishment et al, I feel, are in the mind - coloured of course by external expectations, perceptions and what not.
    Having said that, if u really do feel something more productive and long-term needs to be done, then obviously u need to work towards that :) Also like Bhargavi said sometimes it takes time to find that dream or vocation or passion...so just keep digging :)

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    1. hmm..I know what you mean, it's what we think that matters ultimately. We tend to weigh ourselves with what is expected or the norm..thanks for providing more food for thought!

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  8. This is a mirror image of me Uma trust me I am so much like you scared to dream big or rather never been passionate about my career just hanging on to it. :) but then amidst all this something surprising keeps going on while constantly changing and shaping us thats what is called as "Life"
    :) cheers to all the madness and new things in your life keep experimenting, exploring and enjoy it!

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    1. hahaha..looks like most of us find ourselves in this situation- more or less. I so agree-this is what is called life, the madness and the excitement and the doubts and dilemmas..:-) thanks Ramya!

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  10. Uma, I think this post could v. well be for me, except I wouldn't be able to write it so succinctly as you. I keep cribbing about not working but a regular 9 to 5 job has made me feel trapped at times. I envy those who've found their calling in life early enough. Some of us have to keep trying and discarding stuff to arrive at it, if ever! But that's a rich life too - with learning and experiences, trials and failures. Wish you good luck with your quest and also on the decoration of your new home. Want a pic post when it's ready:)

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    1. So true, Vibha. I have felt trapped at the regular jobs too. Somehow, the jobs all boil down to doing something mechanically and churning out impassionate stuff. I like the way you put it-a rich life with learning experiences, of trying and discarding stuff.
      Will post pics when done..although the final product is still miles away :-)

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  11. Hi Uma,
    I also have wondered and still doing so as to why I cant dream big. be it music or work. I did get a few job offers recently and was toying with it. But the thought of what I will have to sacrifice for that was not welcome. Well, I guess life has to be rich (even if pockets are not...;))The wanting to do more and better feeling will be there with you always.

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    1. I hear you, sistah! hmm..tough call between having the pockets rich or life rich! ;-)

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  12. Hi Uma,

    As long as you are living in the moment and are happy with what you are doing, its awesome. Hang in there and enjoy life, gal!

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    1. I know, being happy should be the final goal, Jayashree.

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  13. :( i so so agree to this.. chotu talents...

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    1. Chotu talents, yes, Swati...kya karein..

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  14. I am sailing in the same boat as you.. I suddenly have spare time and I dont know what to do. I dont really want to go back to a full time IT thing I used to do before but I feel I should do something useful or creative in the time I have..
    Still thinking and pondering. Nice to know I am not the only one who is searching for my purpose in life. :D

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    1. You are not the only one, Sirisha...and like you most of us don't want the grind but still have something fulfilling to do..

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  15. I wanted to sit and write a detailed reply when I read this the first time and had to run coz the li'l one's school bus was abt to come. I am almost in the same boat and there is a fork in the road asking me to choose "This way or that" I on the other hand am trying to find some way of combining those 2 paths or atl east walk on both in parallel. Let's see what happens :)

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    1. Do let me know Simran, if you manage to find that balance..:-)

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  16. chanced upon this old post and realized I didn't reply to some of your comments here..:-( doing it right away..

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