A
little girl walked up to the stage. It was her maiden solo performance and she
was nervous about it. As she got on to the stage, she saw several eyes looking
at her with anticipation. Her stomach twisted in knots, her throat got drier,
the lyrics failed her, and her voice quivered. She hopped off the stage after
the performance, her vision blurred with tears of humiliation and failure. She
was disappointed with herself for having lost the opportunity, for having
failed the many expectations-of hers and others.
Yes,
that little girl was me. I was so consumed by 'what if I failed' that I forgot to
try. Every time I set myself a task, I expected myself to excel and no less and
if I didn't, I’d brand myself no good for the task and refuse to make the effort
to excel. Success had to come to me naturally; I had to be a natural at
anything.
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There
were plenty of fields I was good at but whenever I saw someone better than me
(which was most of the times) I’d be disheartened and despise the fact that the
others got it ‘so easily and effortlessly’ while I had to struggle for every
bit of fame and recognition which I believed was denied willfully by the power
above. I began to believe that perhaps I wasn't really good enough.
I
wanted to be popular in my social circle and hated the fact that I was such an
introvert that small talk exposed me as an awkward and under-confident person. School
and college was trudged through without any real friends because I was busy trying
to fit into a clique rather than make peace with the way I was. In fact it was
much later that I began to introspect about the person that I was within and accept
it.
When it
did happen eventually, the seeds of confidence grew its first
sprout. I began to see the power of being myself and allowing myself the liberty
of failing. I saw the respect in other people’s eyes for the efforts I put in
and also for things I was good (not necessarily the best) at. The efforts were
as important, if not more, than the outcome was a lesson I learnt and am still
learning. Someone I know often tells me- If you like doing something you automatically become good at it and while you're good, don't let 'becoming the best' take the fun out of the activity.
It
certainly is not easy and I still fall back to my old ways of doubting myself
and believing that I’m not good enough to succeed. Yet, I also believe that
someday I’d conquer my fears- of failing, of worrying about what others think
of me, of worrying that I’d fall in the eyes of those who have a good opinion
of me, of believing that I’m not good enough to succeed. Until then I’ll keep
trying.
To come back to the question of what I'd do if I weren't afraid-I'd promote my blog more openly, asking people to read it if they haven't already without waiting for it to be discovered naturally. I'd sing openly without inhibitions, ignore a wrong note or key if at all and above all enjoy the process of what I like to do rather than wait for the results.
Write Tribe starts its blog carnival with this question. Do participate and read other entries here.
To come back to the question of what I'd do if I weren't afraid-I'd promote my blog more openly, asking people to read it if they haven't already without waiting for it to be discovered naturally. I'd sing openly without inhibitions, ignore a wrong note or key if at all and above all enjoy the process of what I like to do rather than wait for the results.
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Write Tribe starts its blog carnival with this question. Do participate and read other entries here.
