Does it matter in the long run?

Love marriage or arranged marriage? This age old, beaten to death, debate is making fresh rounds around the blog world with renewed vigour for this contest here at Indiblogger along with Sony Entertainement Televsion. Do read more about it here

My opinion here is based on average Indian families and for the sake of argument, am assuming a normal arranged marriage scenario which does not mean forced marriage and where there is a good chance of getting to know a person.

Love or arranged, the real test of a marriage begins only after the wedding. The love or arranged factors are just two different routes to the same point from where the real journey begins. It is not to say that one route is better than the other.  Contrary to what is shown in movies, love marriages are rarely all hunky-dory and arranged marriages need not spell doom too. The basic and probably an important difference in two could be the lead time that the couples get to know one another.

Of course, the way things pan out in a arranged marriage route can prove quite frustrating and demotivating for the parties until the match is found. Also, the Indian society is still not open enough to let the concerned two socialize enough before a formal engagement of sorts and there is still a stigma attached to a broken engagement. This makes a love marriage more appealing for young men and women who know the importance of getting to know a person well before entering into a matrimonial alliance. However, if arranged marriage is a pitfall for some in the Indian society, it is also a saviour for whom love does not happen naturally. Since, it does give you a chance to meet prospects, even if it is constrained by some superficial boundaries.

The important factor, however, is the thought that goes behind selecting a life-partner for yourself. Whether love or arranged, one needs to define a criteria for the person who will be sharing one's space and life in future. Just because someone professed deep love to you in college and you are more in love with the idea of falling love than the person itself, is certainly not a good reason to get involved in a relationship. Such love marriages can spell more doom than the typical arranged ones. Only, when there is enough commitment from an individual towards finding a partner, and only when there is enough honest introspection about what is important to oneself in a marriage, will there be enough ownership in the relationship- a tool that will hold one steadfast when the ground gets shaky.

A couple intending to spend their lives together, be it through a love or arranged set-up, need to talk about important issues like career, money, religion, caste, children, family (not necessarily in that order) to see if they are on the same page. Many love marriages do fall apart because the couple overlooked these factors during their courtship period or never even discussed these, to be taken unawares when real-life situations challenges them. Even if  you are destined to meet your spouse through parental intervention, there is enough time given to discuss these, provided you have yourself formed an opinion about these and know roughly what you are looking at in your spouse.

Marriages fail due to various reasons, inspite of best efforts. But, at least, one will not rue the fact that the failure was due to the route taken. The route-love or arranged- is just a means to the end (wedding, which is actually the beginning, here). We hold the trump cards in any kind of route. It is just that we get to play our cards at different stages in both the routes. It is up to us, how well we use the cards. The actual game, anyhow, begins only at the end. 

36 comments:

  1. Hi Uma,
    Must confess i am regular visitor at your blogs and must say your expression of thought is really beautiful.And no wonder this blog has been articulated so well.I completely agree that acid test begins after 'saat phere'. Some one had told me that " we d'nt look for Love, Love finds us' So people who are into love no matter how much they try to introspect about their expectations from marriage their heart rules over their decisions.And you know dil to dil hae...
    Rest my experience is in marriage you cannot prefix any criteria for happy life ...everyday new expectations crop up. It all depends how the couple balances their everyday life. Alas so much i wish that 'THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER' was a reality. :)
    Keep writing....
    Love,
    Daman

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    1. Hey Daman,
      so nice to have you comment here..glad to know that you enjoy reading what I write :-)
      I agree with what you say, love can turn people blind to the obvious faults. And, marriage is a delicate balancing act.
      Thanks Daman for the lovely comment. Keep reading..

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  2. Well said. Its true that having a happy married life is important. As it is seen mostly love marriages lack the love for a long time after marriage, the reasons are quite common. Enjoy reading ur blogs.

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    1. thanks, Gopinath..glad you liked it!

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  3. "Just because someone professed deep love to you in college and you are more in love with the idea of falling love than the person itself" Wow Lovely thoughts there Uma. Good Luck. And a very sensible mature post here.

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    1. Thank you so much, Jayashree for the lovely comment. It means a lot to me :-)

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  4. I liked your take on it Uma - very practical and genuine approach which sounds more like tried and tested formula :)

    This is one of the age old debates which is never ending...!!

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    1. Thanks a lot, Me :-) this debate might never end, I guess.

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  5. ah well...what to say? I agree :)

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  6. I agree :). Good luck for the contest!

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  7. Completely in agreement - especially with the concept of 'loving to be in love' ... and truly, the test begins when the honeymoon ends, huh? All the best.

    http://lafemmenirvana.blogspot.in/2012/08/love-and-marriage-chicken-and-egg.html

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    1. thanks, Meena and welcome here! I read your post and loved the take. All the best to you too :-)

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  8. True, Uma that there are different paths to marriage and towards the same goal, a happy married life. It is more like riding a tandem bike where both pedal in harmony to make things work:) Best of luck for he contest!

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    1. Wow, the analogy to the bike pedals is so apt! thank you, Rahulji :-)

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  9. I simply want to tell you that I am all new to blogging and honestly loved this web page. Very likely I’m going to bookmark your blog post . You definitely have remarkable stories. Thanks a bunch for sharing your web page.

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  10. Ahaaaaaaaaaaaa you wish me there on my blog :| and contest with me :| Umaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    hahahha kidding, and yes the way this is put up on ur blog, yes but some how this like which u mentioned like route is not analysed when there is failure is what I am not able to understand cause thats exactly what people do when there is a failure RCA- Root Cause Analysis!!! Excellent loved it :D Debate wonderfully penned!!!

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    1. Ramya, :-)))) that's the beauty of a contest ;-) And, with that lovely post of yours, do you have to fear??
      thanks, Ramya :-)

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  11. Young things these days are smart.They do not fall in love at first sight.They have possibly more parameters for the other party to pass muster much more strict and different from what parents would look for.Horoscopes,sub sects or even caste may not count much.But education,job held,income,compatibility,looks of course and absence of limiting factors are in the radar of young men and women.Generally I observe love marriages take place between two similarly placed people.Unlike the arranged route where you get to see the prospective spouse once or twice,you have more time in love route with prospect of getting closer too.
    Finally the success of marriage and happiness thereafter is more dependent on the ability to get along with each other.

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    1. Good to have you back, KP sir :-)
      yes, although there are many who fall in love with caution, if that is possible, I have also seen some who enter into a relationship very early in life, not giving themselves the time to understand and think fully as to what a marriage might hold for them.
      And, yes, the ability to get along definitely is the key factor.

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  12. EXACTLY my thoughts , that what i have commented on a few posts , how does it matter how you reach a mark .. LOVE-Arranged Both have one word in common MARRIAGE..

    I think these days as with everything we want to find a BLAME thing, oh it was because it was love marriage this failed oh it was arranged hence.. Thats how i look at it ..

    it take two people to make a marriage .. how they reach there is irrespective ..
    Bikram's

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    1. The blame comes because of lack of ownership, methinks. And, the lack of ownership is perhaps because the commitment has lacked individual introspection at some level.
      Thanks, Bikram :-)

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  13. I just wrote a post on love and arranged marriages and read yours after writing mine... and by co-incidence got a lot of answers!! Still.. to me marriage seems like a gamble, be it love or arranged...

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    1. Read your post! I am glad you could find some answers here :-) It is to a large extent a gamble, Radhika.

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  14. The crux is what I love the best :) A very sensible thought. All the best :)

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  15. This sure is a much debated topic :)
    You have a very valid point that the real journey starts only after marriage in either case .. This is the first time am hearing this view in the light of this debate and I totally agree ..
    I feel a love marriage has one big advantage of salvaging one from the discomforts of a 'partner search' :)
    And while we make this huge decision, I think we must look deep within and ensure that those qualities of the other person that appeal to us are sound enough to stand the test of time and bad weather .. And how comfortable you feel with that person counts a huge scoring factor too .. I could write pages but I'll stop :)

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    1. yes, an ever-green topic for debate..do write pages, it will be an interesting read, Aarthy.

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  16. Well written Uma! Wish you luck for the contest!

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  17. Very very well written Uma, especially loved the last paragraph! The words you used to bring the perfect end of the post and hence the topic are superb :)

    Cheers,
    Keirthana

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    1. Thank you sooooo much, Keirthana. I'm so glad that you liked it :-)

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  18. Nice writeup.... and one thing with which I totally agree with is, The real journey begins post marriage....love or arrange are just two diffrerent routes to same destination, well put.

    Living with someone under same roof, sharing a place, a room, the daily chores, life, family, ur own self with someone you have not grown up with is a totally different experience.

    Just one additional suggestion, I am not sure why but your font size is appearing very small, a bit difficult to read unless zoomed.

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    1. Thank you Nikita for visiting my space and commenting. Welcome here :-)
      Oh, is it? I'll do something about the font size..funny, no one has brought up this issue earlier..but thanks for bringing it up.:-)

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