If we were having coffee...

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--I'd brew you some lovely piping hot filter coffee, bubbling with froth and aroma, poured out in steel tumblers or cups, if you wish, and offer it along with some crispy savouries. When it comes to coffee, there's nothing like filter kaapi, I might brag. I hope you'd excuse my vanity and sit down comfortably to some light banter and eventually sober down for a heart-to-heart conversation.

--As we settle down and the initial laughter and madness, that is a part of the package when good friends meet, simmers down, I'd tell you how life is currently packing all the paradoxes in the world and shoving them right up my face. It's, in fact, smirking at me right now.

Something that I had wished for is about to happen. I should, then, be elated, right? Well, honestly, I'm fighting bitter-sweet feelings. It comes at a time when I had almost made peace with the status quo. In some ways, a part of me is looking forward to the change but another part is resisting it because it is a harbinger of some compromises and re-arrangements which are unsettling. It makes me realise how we wish for things without truly comprehending its effects. I was perhaps not fully ready for whatever I had wished for.

--I'd then perk up as you offer consolatory words and move on to tell you how our apartment complex has suddenly erupted up in festive liveliness and colourful spirit. It's taken a while for this to happen but it's certainly heart-warming to see the various ethnicities warm up to one another and emerge as a homogenous unit during community celebrations. Starting with a spirited patriotic front put up for Independence day to the cultural and devotional extravaganza for Ganesha, the energy has been pulsating.

--I'd share my experiences of the Ganesha celebrations; about how fulfilling it was to extend my contribution towards the prasadam-making for one of the days. I usually baulk at cooking large quantities of food and making a sweet for about 30-40 people was certainly not right up my alley. Yet, I brushed off my hesitancy and agreed. I shed a copious amount of inhibition as I sang many solo bhajans but the grand surprise was my decision to take part in a group dance. You might raise an eyebrow at the mention of dance because you know of my limitation and reservations in that area. I'd smile and explain how I kept denying the invitation to join the event until I happened to witness the practice session. The fun and energy exuded by the lovely participants drew me in like a magnet and I impulsively joined in. I'd always be grateful that for once I went with the flow and did not stop to analyse the outcome. I enjoyed myself so thoroughly that now I signed up for a group Garba number during Navratri!

--I'd discuss how work has been very hectic lately. Perhaps, I'd crib about how it has kept me away  from sleep, blogging, and even being idle on Facebook. Now, the last part surely means I'm genuinely busy, right? Yet, I'll also be quick to agree that this is something I'm truly grateful for. Apart from the fact that I derive from it a sense of purpose, I love the teamwork, the energy, and the camaraderie we, as a small unit, share at work. And, I'm not trading this for anything else.

--I'd confess how laid-back I'm and how I do not see myself fitting in the current breed of enthusiastic  mothers, entrepreneurs, bloggers; people who carry a fire in their belly, wanting to leave a mark in this world, do something stupendous and leave a worthy legacy behind. I attended an event recently that talked about how to make yourself stand out in a similarly motivated crowd or competition. I loved the inputs and insights and even networked a bit with the attendees. I looked on with pride and amazement at how some good friends were a part of the panellist. Yet, I couldn't imagine myself being on the other side. No, not because I see myself as less capable. But because I totally lack the fire and passion. Come to think of it, while the rest of the participants furiously clicked and tweeted the proceedings, I sat there happy to just take notes in my diary. I was carrying an old phone whose battery was dying out even as I laid it to rest beside me. I'm also a bit lazy with clicking selfies and photos that need to go out pronto as FB statuses. No, I didn't even come back and shoot out a post here about the lovely experience as I got busy with life. So not the "in" thing. I know. Sigh!

--I'd perhaps look for validation as I admit that I'm someone who at times feels confident and raring to take on the world and at other times is intimidated and boxed into feeling inadequate in a larger and more accomplished crowd. That I readily take a step back in a circle when the others vie and scream for attention and I'd rather not be one among those.

--I'd tell you that I've missed writing for myself, here, in this space.While I do write every day as part of my work, something I enjoy doing as well, it is not the same as writing to satisfy my need to channelise the many thoughts, ideas, and musings that jostle for space in my head to grow and develop their individual identities. I had been itching to share all the happenings in my life and would thank you for the coffee date and the chance to spill my heart out.

--I'd also retreat into spells of silence and listen attentively to what you'd have to share. I'm a good listener that way.

*****

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Trying to re-boot

This space is becoming a forgotten place. Like an old garden that is dying for want of a gardener and happy people loitering around. Every now and then I try to revive what was once my favourite hobby. Either, I'm running out of sufficient water to keep the space from drying or I've lost the interest. Both seem like a probable reason to me.

Today, after a long time, I opened my blogger dashboard; found some familiar blogs with fresh posts; ran down the nostalgic lane when one person's post for the day would provide fodder for someone else's post and we would happily greet one another, hopping in and out of each other's spaces.

Somewhere, I strayed away to explore newer zones and found myself misplaced amongst a crowd that is far more energetic and brimming with ideas.

I preferred the lazy times where a lot more personal snippets (giving a glimpse of each other's lives and personalities) were shared at a leisurely pace and we got ample time to socialize within the community. I'm not saying such an environment is no longer available. Just that I got suddenly surrounded by an urgent need to live up to a certain image/brand/whatever-you-call-it, either self-created or accidentally designed. I tried to keep pace, but soon lost steam and got left behind.

I'm trying to find my original pace and groove while keeping my eyes open to spotting familiar faces who might also remember me and want to give me company again.

Hoping to revive this space once again and this time for a longer run.

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On my own

I've been trying to drive the car in the absence of hubby, so that I gain in confidence and become independent. Two weeks ago, the husband went out of town for four days that included the weekend. Co-incidentally, my friend's(A) husband was also out of town, so we girls decided to jam up and have a good time. The plan was to meet up at her place Friday night, and spend the Saturday at leisure with the kids. A works full-time and was supposed to reach home by 7 p.m. We decided that she would pick me up on her way home.

All the while when the plan was being made, part of my mind was telling me to drive down to A's place on my own. This was my chance. But the other part sounded doubtful, citing the evening traffic and other reasons of keeping safe, especially when the hubby was out of town. Finally, 15 mins prior to when my friend was supposed to pick me, I went out of my complex to gauge the traffic. There was some traffic but it was not choc-a-block. I made a quick decision and placed a call (before I had a chance to reconsider) to A and told her that I would come on my own. A and I have known each other since our High school days. She is well aware of my self-doubting nature and initial reluctance on my part to take bold decisions. She was more than happy and supportive of that fact I was making the effort.

I strapped R on to the back seat, instructed him to sit quiet, strapped myself, made the necessary seat and mirror adjustments, took a deep breath, started the engine, put the car into gear and glided my way through the gate out into the traffic. My first solo adventure with the kid, an evening drive, along with other crazy people on the road. I was shivering from within. I kept muttering a prayer in my mind, eyes on the road and maneuvered my way to A's house which is a good 2 kms on a traffic-filled road. I handled the traffic at times jerkily, at times deftly, but on the whole I didn't do badly. I heaved a sigh of triumph and relief when I reached A's parking lot. I had killed a few demons and that too without external help :-)

Later during the weekend, I grabbed several other chances to drive my way around the town within a radius of 3-5 kms. Although, I did struggle many a times and wished I hadn't put on such a brave face and ventured out, I felt empowered and satisfied in the end. After all this is how everyone learns and I too have to. The primary reason I wanted to learn to drive was to be on my own and not depend on hubby or anyone else for little errands or even to chauffeur R to and fro from his school when the need arises. During the last week too, I had to visit R's pre-school a couple of times and had to depend on my driving skills. I was a bag of nerves each time. I faltered many times. I am still jittery at the thought of driving alone to a place but I want to do it. I have to do it. For myself.  

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