On Guru Pournima..

..I wish to make a confession.

A teacher shows the path of right to the students. She is like the ray of light at the end of a dark tunnel of ignorance. A good teacher not only inculcates the lessons but also guides the student towards the right path by walking the steps along. Indeed blessed are the people who have had at least one good teacher in their lives.

I have had the good fortune of having some good teachers in my life. Be it a couple from my school or the ones I learnt music from. My music teachers, from whom I learnt the Carnatic and Hindustani forms of music were always a source of inspiration to me. The class sessions were interspersed with good advice, light jokes, some inspiring stories of theirs and other great people, and some cookery recipes shared even. They gladly took me under their wings and motivated me to stretch myself to my best limits. To them, I shall always remain indebted.

I always wonder if I've fulfilled my duty as a student towards my gurus. This is my inner anguish especially with regards to my Carnatic music guru. When I was a student, I was a conscientious one, always adhering to the rules and doing my homework and striving to achieve perfection in what was being imparted to me. Yet, after I've had to discontinue my musical sojourn with her, am left with a feeling of vacuum. There is a nagging feeling of letting down my teacher in some ways. Upon introspection, I realized that with the discontinuation of regular classes, I have also cut ties with music as such. I've let the lessons that were painstaking taught to me gradually be washed away in the journey to conquer social milestones of a job, then marriage and then a child. I was always inclined towards light classical music rather than the hard core classical stuff. Perhaps, that is why I couldn't sustain the interest once the strict regime was stopped. Perhaps, that is the reason for the slackness and carelessness with which I've let genuine efforts go unacknowledged and disrespected. Yet, even that cannot be used as a good excuse to pardon my deeds for I've shown my ingratitude towards the teacher, thus.

They say that your misdeeds make a home in your inner most consciousness and surface when you are vulnerable. I can vouch for this for there have a number of times when my guru has appeared in my dreams, not in any vindictive or accusing manner. Yet, I would reminisce about the dream in my wakefulness with a feeling of guilt. Is is my own conscience that it is prodding me or is it books of accounts of karma Way Up that is working, I do not know.

The best possible guru dakshina a student can give a teacher is to uphold the lessons learnt and shine on the path shown. Today is Guru Pournima, a day when students show their gratitude and love towards their teachers but all I want to ask for is forgiveness from all my teachers for any disrespect shown towards them knowingly or unknowingly. I ask them to graciously pardon me and release me from this guilt.

Read More

On my own

I've been trying to drive the car in the absence of hubby, so that I gain in confidence and become independent. Two weeks ago, the husband went out of town for four days that included the weekend. Co-incidentally, my friend's(A) husband was also out of town, so we girls decided to jam up and have a good time. The plan was to meet up at her place Friday night, and spend the Saturday at leisure with the kids. A works full-time and was supposed to reach home by 7 p.m. We decided that she would pick me up on her way home.

All the while when the plan was being made, part of my mind was telling me to drive down to A's place on my own. This was my chance. But the other part sounded doubtful, citing the evening traffic and other reasons of keeping safe, especially when the hubby was out of town. Finally, 15 mins prior to when my friend was supposed to pick me, I went out of my complex to gauge the traffic. There was some traffic but it was not choc-a-block. I made a quick decision and placed a call (before I had a chance to reconsider) to A and told her that I would come on my own. A and I have known each other since our High school days. She is well aware of my self-doubting nature and initial reluctance on my part to take bold decisions. She was more than happy and supportive of that fact I was making the effort.

I strapped R on to the back seat, instructed him to sit quiet, strapped myself, made the necessary seat and mirror adjustments, took a deep breath, started the engine, put the car into gear and glided my way through the gate out into the traffic. My first solo adventure with the kid, an evening drive, along with other crazy people on the road. I was shivering from within. I kept muttering a prayer in my mind, eyes on the road and maneuvered my way to A's house which is a good 2 kms on a traffic-filled road. I handled the traffic at times jerkily, at times deftly, but on the whole I didn't do badly. I heaved a sigh of triumph and relief when I reached A's parking lot. I had killed a few demons and that too without external help :-)

Later during the weekend, I grabbed several other chances to drive my way around the town within a radius of 3-5 kms. Although, I did struggle many a times and wished I hadn't put on such a brave face and ventured out, I felt empowered and satisfied in the end. After all this is how everyone learns and I too have to. The primary reason I wanted to learn to drive was to be on my own and not depend on hubby or anyone else for little errands or even to chauffeur R to and fro from his school when the need arises. During the last week too, I had to visit R's pre-school a couple of times and had to depend on my driving skills. I was a bag of nerves each time. I faltered many times. I am still jittery at the thought of driving alone to a place but I want to do it. I have to do it. For myself.  

Read More