R read out the passages from the book, loudly and clearly. The pauses were taken correctly and the intonation was spot on. The audience that was the extended family on the husband's side looked on in awe and admiration. R was the centre of attraction and he clearly loved it. Sometime in between, the spotlight seemed to dim out as the adults got distracted. However, R was not to be dismissed so lightly. He raised his voice above the din and demanded to be heard. The amused crowd decided to humour him. He was mildly interrogated on the meaning of random words and the answers came forth confidently. There was no embarrassment or inhibition when he didn't have the answers. The body language bordered on showing off, "Look at me, listen to me!"
I looked on from the sidelines secretly happy, yet debating on whether to pull the reins in on him. I was simultaneously filing away these snippets that glared out in contrast to the person I was at his age. Personally, I shy away from being the centre of attraction. A lot of that has changed over time and I do not suffer from panic attacks like before. Yet, I prefer to be a part of a group rather than solo. Growing up, we were asked to imbibe modesty as a virtue. Proactively seeking to display talent rather than complying with requests at gatherings was seen as being a show-off, an oddity. This, coupled with my own personality, is so ingrained in me that I find it difficult to tell people about my skills. I would rather have them discovered by chance. I'm at a loss for an appropriate response other than nodding my head politely when some people completely fill up social conversations about how they excel at something and how they set themselves up for success. I cannot visualize myself doing that.
It is perhaps an offshoot of the mindset that I'm unable to enjoy myself. I balk at the thought of stepping out of my zone during a family function, for example, and announce to the audience that I have the perfect song for the occasion. I'm discomforted with the notion of having to promote my writing, asking, imploring people to read and comment. I call out to my readers on my post in the belief that that should suffice and if the written piece is worthy of a read and a comment, it will follow. However, the fabric of the society has changed. This is an era where you need to scream hoarse about how good you're and even then only hope to get noticed in the melee of the equally talented bunch of peers. The crowd out there is mostly bold and savvy. It calls out to people like me to come out of their shells and blow their own trumpets. Time will only tell if I can be comfortable with putting on the make-up and standing on the stage, calling out to the departing audience to stay back and listen to me.
I have been conscious in trying to keep my personality away from parenting. I succeed sometimes, fail at other times. That day, the person on the sidelines was not just me. It was that conscious parent. I refrained from intervening and let R be. It was his chance to discover his true personality without my need to impinge upon it with my experiences.
