Of unusual career choices and the parenting dance

Image courtesy: Pixaby.com

I wanted a boy but would've been equally glad to get a girl. Only because it has become a fashion these days to "want" only girls, what with forwarded messages and articles extolling the virtues of having a daughter and how they are better than sons, I never really disclosed my inner feelings. As with most evolving societies, people love to flip to the other extreme to counter old-school thoughts and the gender stereotyping is one such example. This is, of course, my interpretation. I disagree with any extreme and prefer to use instinct, common sense and moderation in everyday life including parenting.

As luck would have it, I got a son. The husband and I have been fair parents till date and have agreed to bring up R without impressing upon him any expectations that should arise solely due to his gender. He's encouraged to cry if his emotions overpower him. He's discouraged from resorting to physical assault as a way of showing disagreement or anger. His rambunctious behaviour is not tolerated simply because "boys will be boys". In short, we strive to bring up a sensitive and empathetic individual rather than just a girl or a boy.

I believe in entrusting age-appropriate daily tasks to R. They could be very simple tasks like keeping his things in their place after he's home from school or cleaning up his room before bed or putting his plate into the sink after food. It's a different story that on most days I feel it's better to get it done myself rather than go on like a broken record. I'm a house proud person and feel that it should not be a gender-specific quality. I strongly think very member in the house must contribute to the housekeeping which otherwise falls squarely on the lady of the house and one person can only do so much. Even if there are maids to help you out, it's a sense of discipline and orderliness that needs to be practiced.

As most often, gender role images are fed into the subconscious without being explicitly taught, I'd ideally like R to see my husband take up more tasks around the house and learn by example. Although I might often pick a battle with my husband for not pitching in as much, I have to give it to him for rising to the occasion whenever I need him around the house. Work and work-pressure are not kind on the salaried class these days and since he's technically the primary earning member (my meager earnings cannot, obviously, count :-p), I do understand his position. On the other hand, he's always been a hands-on father with R which is a huge plus since I'm not the default go-to parent (for most cases).

It's too early in the game to see if our style of parenting will reap the desired results. I do, however, catch a few signs here and there that make me smile in satisfaction. R generally understands his part in the drama of household chores. If I play the card of being overwhelmed with all the cleaning up and ask him to pitch in, he does so willingly. On his own too, he's quick to pick up the cloth to wipe off any mess that he might have created unknowingly. He feels comfortable in the kitchen and gets his own snacks from containers. He doesn't shy away from asking my recipes for his favourite food. He loves watching Food-Food channel as much as he enjoys his star war movies. His eyes do light up at the way the master chefs on these channels seductively put together yummylicious concoctions over beautiful pans and pots.

As with most kids this age, his answers to the question, " what he'd like to become?" changes very often and ranges from wanting to be a magician to a craftsperson to an astronaut. However, one answer seems to be a constant and that is to "be a chef". People seem amused to hear this even as I'm quick to take pride in the fact that he's a free-thinker and does not care for the more popular career choices. Yes, it's rather too early to say, but I'm going to cash in on this phase while it lasts and teach him a few cooking tricks. Whether or not he becomes a chef, he definitely needs to know how to cook, no?

He doesn't know it yet, but I'm rooting for this career choice because secretly I'm looking forward to hanging my boots prematurely and yet have a five-meal course spread out for me ;-)

Read More

The typecasting syndrome

Instance 1 
A little boy cries because a certain thing does not go his way. 
"Don't cry. Are you a girl to cry?", snubs the parent.

Instance 2 
Another little boy whines for some reason. 
"Don't whine. Only girls whine", chides the parent.

Instance3
An innocent lad plays an innocent game of "dress-up" or is playing with a kitchen set
"Don't play like this. Only girls play this game."

Instance 4
A small boy falls down while playing, is hurt and is crying.
"Stop crying now. Be brave and strong. You are a boy."

Yes, the crying had to be stopped. But the more important lesson to be taught is that, that it is OK when sometimes things don't go your way and life has to be taken in its stride. Unfortunately the only lesson learnt is-boys cannot/should not cry and that the expression, rather than the reason, is wrong.

Yes, whining is not a pleasant way to react to a particular situation. The boy had to be taught that one cannot keep complaining about a certain situation and that it is up to us to turn any situation to our advantage instead of looking at the negative side of it. However the lesson learnt was that girls generally behave in a disapproving manner.

Little kids like to play dress-up as it gives them an opportunity to explore and experiment. It is not important or necessary to give them an insight of worldly perception right then. The understanding or perception that the kitchen belongs to girls/women is injected so subtly yet effectively at this tender age that when these boys become husbands, it is no surprise to see them continue to hold the thought.

To cry when you are hurt physically and mentally is a way of expression. There is no harm in shedding tears if you are going to feel better at the end of it. Be it when you are 3 or 30. It is a natural reflex and it gives relief.  When you deny someone the right to express in a particular manner, there is every likelihood of the emotion getting manifested in a different level and perhaps unpleasant manner.

Girls have as much right to lessons of courage and bravery as boys. Masculinity and femininity have nothing to do with the gender. Yin-yang, male-female, X and Y are just attributes that are applicable to any living being. No one person can live a balanced and fulfilled life with just one set of emotions functioning. Being sensitive, kind and compassionate does not make a man effeminate. In fact, it makes him much more humane.

Maybe if we could stop typecasting our children and be more sensitive to what we say, we can perhaps raise a generation that is far more sensitive towards the other gender, less violent in thoughts and action, and more considerate and compassionate to the others' feelings. A new world of goodness in the future-however distant it might seem today-might perhaps be a possibility and reality. Can we hope and try?

Read More

Marriage-an overrated concept?

R’ mom’s post on women’s web about marriage being an overrated institution and Hip Hop Grandma’s comment to that has certainly touched a chord in many of us evoking strong responses. (Warning-long post ahead)

The basis of many age-old customs and practices has become questionable in the light of changing time; so is the case with marriage, which is fast losing the sacred status it had once assumed. Hence the question of it being overrated arises. I don’t know whether it is overrated or underrated. I only know that everyone wants to get married-whether to conform to the societal norms or otherwise. It is like the saying-“shaadi ka laddoo-khaye woh pachtaye, na khaye woh pachtaye”. Even the utterly feminist (read men-basher) does marry. I think it is got to do with the perception of marriage. It is seen as the biggest milestone, only second to parenthood, in one’s life-especially that of a woman. No one really prepares you for the dynamics of marriage. It is rarely the “happily ever after” story. Also, today is the age of extremes. It is either my way or the highway. There are no in-between solutions to a debate.

My colleague S got married to A, her boyfriend of two years. S is a bubbly and vivacious girl who speaks her mind and likes her freedom. A is more of an introvert. Initially, they lived as a couple separately from A’s parents who also happened to live in the same town. Due to some reasons, A decided that they should be staying with his parents (obviously S’s opinion was overridden). S was somehow never herself with her in-laws. As I understood from our conversations, it was not as though A’s parents mistreated her or made her uncomfortable. She simply could not “adjust” to live amicably with an older generation. Many times she suggested to A that they could live close to his parents yet live separately as a couple. A, however, for reasons I don’t know, never agreed to it. S and I later parted ways and I came to know of her divorce through another common friend.


P, another close friend of mine, separated from her husband of 10 years, after two kids. We had somehow grown apart from each other by the time this happened and hence I do not know the entire story. However, I can make an educated guess. Theirs was a love marriage and they lived separately as a couple. P was-is a social butterfly who thrives on meeting other people. She had, a couple of years ago, landed herself with the job of an event manager-a role that fit her personality to perfection. She became a social figure in no time, meeting great legends from the entertainment field. Her work demanded a lot of time from her but she wasn’t complaining. She was clearly having a blast. Her husband, six years older to her, was a businessman and perhaps a typical husband who although wanted his wife to work, also didn’t want her to be away for long periods of time from home. I think this was the bone of contention in their marriage leading to the inevitable, 10 long years of togetherness and young kids notwithstanding.


In both the cases, the women in question are the epitome of a modern day woman. Neither faced any serious abuse or ill-treatment at the hands of their in-laws. Yet, the marriages fell apart. These days, divorce is not a taboo-at least with urban middle class families. If things do not work out to one’s expectation, the couple-both or either of them- does not hesitate to call it a day. On one hand there are scenarios where the couple jumps the gun at the first issue and on the other there instances where the woman is urged to put up despite serious compatibility issues.


Any relationship calls for compromises if it has to be nurtured. It is only when it comes to marriage that these compromises or adjustments are blown out of proportion. Here the gender bias is confused with the type of compromises involved. We have been-and are to a large extent even today- a patriarchal society. It cannot be denied that, in India, a woman is married into the boy’s family but the vice-versa is not true. It is still “expected” of the woman to call her acquired parents as “amma” and “appa” but the man is “not expected” to do so. If they do (I do know of some men who address their parents-in-laws as amma and appa. Of course their number is far less than the ones who do not feel comfortable doing so.), they are “appreciated” while if they don’t, they are “understood”. Why isn’t the same discomfort that can be felt by the woman understood? If the husband does not feel like visiting his in-laws, it is OK but if the situation is the other way round, the wife is made to feel guilty for being selfish and is asked to come along nevertheless. These are considered minor issues and the mind is asked to be conditioned to “ignore” such things. Unfortunately, again, only the woman is expected to condition her mind and ignore.

I feel this is a period of transition where the women have risen in protest to the old ways of society. Till the time men continue to have the upper hand in terms of compromises and adjustments, there will be extremities. Eventually hope, faith and trust will be restored to this age-old institution called marriage. I do hope it happens.

P.S.- After reading the comments on my post above, I got the feeling that perhaps I have not come across I way I intended to. I was merely stating that there are instances where people jump the gun at the first instance of discomfort in a marriage and there are cases where women are made to go through hell in the name of adjustment and family honour. Both are uncalled for. Here, the debate was if marriage will lose its significance and its very existence in future. Hence my take is- in a relationship there is some amount of give and take and if we want to safe-guard this insitution, we (as a couple) need to work on the relationship while valuing each other's rights.

Read More