I've always maintained that I'm not a motherly person. By that what I mean is I'm not overly mushy about this whole parenting gig nor do I love being around kids. Shocking to hear a mother say that? Well, I love my son to bits but put me in a crowded room of boisterous kids and I'm going to run miles away. I used to feel embarrassed to admit this but I've realized that as long as my child feels loved, cared for and safe in my company, I'm doing OK.
It's been a good seven years of motherhood but parenting still baffles me and I have my days of insecurity, worrying if I'm doing enough for my son. Despite all this, I've had beautiful moments that define me as a mother on this parenting journey and as I sit today to reminisce a few of them, my heart is full.
The initial months of handling a newborn were the toughest. I was not prepared to handle an infant who fed constantly but barely slept during the day making me antsy, sleep-deprived and very worried for my own future. I'd tip-toe around R as he slept, praying hard that I get some downtime for myself. I'd fear to play with him because he had little patience for niceties and only demanded milk when I was around.
Yet, I also remember holding him close to my bosom, letting the sweet smell of the baby skin waft through my nostrils, making a place inside my heart. I loved giving him a nice oil massage followed by a warm bath for that was our special time when he'd respond to my incessant chatter. I'd sing all the nursery rhymes I knew and he'd stare at me spellbound, making sweet baby sounds at times or gurgle with laughter and as months passed respond with baby talk. How his eyes would sparkle as I'd call out his name!
I recall keeping the camera within reach for I did not want to miss recording any of the special moments. I have pictures and videos for each of the milestone reached during the first year. Even today as I look at those snaps or view those videos, I'm filled with a sense of love and gratitude.
As a first time mother, it's natural to want everything perfect and I was no different. I'd spent a copious amount of time scouring the net for solutions every time R suffered from a little ailment or to gather more information when I failed to understand his cues. I remember being petrified when I accidentally clipped off a small part of his skin along with the nails when he was merely two months old. I cried more than he did and couldn't bring myself to eat food that day!
Little did I know that I was to encounter many such distressing moments as he'd injure himself regularly as an active toddler, a frisky young preschooler and even today. Although, I've learned to take these in my stride, each day I send out a prayer to the Universe to keep him safe as he leaves my cocooned arms and goes out into the world.
I might not always make a fuss about all that I feel as a mother and only pour it out here occasionally. If anything, I've realized that Mothers come in all forms, shapes, and sizes but they all have a heart that holds immense love for their kids. And, I'm no different. So, for all my idiosyncrasies and a strict demeanor, I hope R remembers my love behind it all.
As I stumble along this difficult parenting journey, I also realize how much my own parents have given me. I believe there's no particular day to express love and gratitude. My feelings as a mother or as a daughter go beyond the conventional trappings of celebrations. Yet, symbolically, this is a reminder to cherish these moments. Hence, in the spirit of Mother's day, I want to thank my own mother (and father. Or do I have to wait for Father's day to do that?) whose love and value I've realized even more after I became a parent myself.
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Linking this to #Chattyblogs by ShanayaTales.
